Co-existence In Transland: Don’t Pronoun Me, Thuh!
Inclusion means everyone who needs it.
I hate writing pieces like this because I often have nuanced opinions, and after spending 16 years of my life working with the Democratic Party and then another 14 as a left-leaning Libertarian, I know damn well that nuance can often breed nasty discourse among social-justice-minded people. As I’m fond of saying: “there’s nothing like a good, old-fashioned leftist infight.”
But as I’ve recently been working to expand my horizons to be more mindful of the inclusion and needs of my non-binary loved ones, I keep running into the feeling of one-way allyship. While binary trans people largely accept that gender is a spectrum, we’re often still resented for ‘upholding’ the binary by living our truths when, in reality, we’re not representing anyone but ourselves.
After extensive thought, I’ve decided that I can’t do more than regret that these people feel the way they do. Ultimately, it doesn’t change the fact that feminism — something the world sorely needs more of — is not only about accepting and uplifting the choices of non-male humans, but also non-choices such as gender identity, as well, and that includes binary identities. Our existence does not inherently threaten that of non-binary people, and to say otherwise is a projection of attempted erasure.
It’s interesting to note that while I identify as and appear binary, I actually rebel against gender roles from within. I feel an affinity with feminine ideals such as beauty and emotional expression, but I’m also autistic and don’t think or behave like a typical woman or a typical man. I’ve blended my feelings and thoughts into something uniquely me. I am my balance.
And therein lies the rub: one could argue that I’m both more trans and non-binary than I identify as, and it wouldn’t be technically inaccurate, but there’s something to be said for those of us attempting to expand gender roles at the poles without identifying as either. Are we not also valid?
Personally, I love my warrior princess personality, and while nobody else has to, they must respect it.
Which brings me to the pronouns: discussing them isn’t for everyone.
My endocrinologist once asked me my pronouns when I started seeing her. She was visibly surprised when I answered, “I don’t do that. Call me whatever.” She asked if ‘she/her’ was OK, and of course I agreed because I’ve literally never used anything else since 2005. She later called my perspective, “interesting,” but is it really that controversial to disagree that pronouns are something to never be assumed?
As someone who fought and largely won the right to be included in a gender not assigned at birth, I deserve the same respect for my obviously binary identity and pronouns that non-binary people do in theirs, without having them questioned or politicized.
I’m just another plain old ‘she/her’ binary woman (albeit with an edge), I offer no indication otherwise outside of a refusal to be minimized as one, I’m proud of my accomplishments in getting here, and they keep me safer since I don’t have the support of a community.
One can be more revolutionary with their labels and presentation if they choose to be — which is saying nothing of how revolutionary binary transition was when I went through it, or my personal relationship to gender — but nobody gets to socially pressure anyone else to self-politicize (or ‘they’ them, for that matter), especially when their gender and pronouns are super obvious.
Aside from implying transness by association and potentially outing people, pronoun discussions can trigger dysphoria. Since most trans people (both binary and non-binary) understand this, I feel like they’re often used as micro-aggressions, as if to say, “who do you think you’re fooling,” which, incidentally, is a phrase that I’ve heard used against binary trans women many times before by all kinds of people.
Some might also say that not wanting to be outed is ‘internalized transphobia’, but they’re absolutely wrong. We’re social pariahs. Blending is a perfectly valid self-protective mechanism. Would you fault a chameleon for its defense against predators in a dangerous world?
Because it’s funny that we don’t see binary trans people criticizing non-binary people for expressing their pronouns, but we often get pushback from them for not doing so ourselves. It’s another indication that only visibly trans people have a place in today’s trans community.
The rest of us get ostracized for being ‘too cis’, called names like ‘truscum’ and ‘dinosaur’, and are forced to depend on nobody but ourselves, even as we continue to go to bat for others in the ways that we can. Some of us have been here 15, 20, 30 years, yet I keep seeing LGBT people bemoan our lack of elders. Why?! We’re right here.
That said, binary and non-binary trans people do have different goals, but that’s OK. They don’t have to be diametrically opposed, and we can absolutely co-exist and even work together on giving more people freedom of gender.
We’ll respect your pronouns as stated if you’ll please stop asking clearly binary people ours. Some of us prefer having them taken for granted, and that’s no reflection on you. It takes all kinds.
