Borderline Personality Disorder is not necessarily a red flag, but it also might be.
BPD is not a red flag. Untreated BPD is a red flag. And the old chestnut, “this is just the way I am” to rationalize abusive behavior is three red flags.
That said, people with BPD do have a level of empathy that makes them a target of narcissists. Same with ASD. And it perpetuates the abuse cycle.
Yet, hurt people hurt people, so being quick to call others narcissists for daring to care about you as a person with BPD has the effect of attracting more narcissists because healthy people won’t put emotional energy into a relationship that’s stacked against them from jump.
I’ve dated both narcissists (unknowingly) and people with BPD (knowingly). When the last narcissist treated me like a pwBPD and the last pwBPD accused me of being a narcissist, I knew I just had good boundaries. My therapists agree.
It should also be noted that people with untreated BPD — like people with NPD — are prone to cycles of idealization and devaluation of their partners, and as a securely attached but autistic partner, that created a lot of chaos for me when I realized that the abuse would not stop.
As long as everyone takes responsibility for their behavior, no diagnosis is a red flag, but again, an untreated personality disorder can be utterly destructive to a partner.
